To The One That Got Away

I have a confession to make to you, my dear.

I am jealous. Yes, I am. I am jealous of your new life, and all the female attention you seem to be garnering as of late. I’m ashamed of this, of course, especially considering I have no claim to your heart and being as we’ve already had that ‘relationship’ conversation where we both agreed to be friends; envy seems utterly childish of me! As I am free to have my own fun, you should be free to have yours. I do believe this, I DO. I want you to be happy and to explore other women and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved…But, I am still at odds with myself, fighting with my logic and my desire for you.

Perhaps these feelings are fueled by the fact that you are someone I could love - Someone that I do love, though I try my best to keep that love from growing into something more then platonic. You made me feel safe, and cared for in a time of emotional upheaval. No small feat considering my history; speaking of which, you weren’t intimidated or repelled by said history either and that meant the world to me. I loved how our movie choices, music, thoughts, dreams, and beliefs fit together – Hell, even our neurosis’s complimented each other. Our time together, though brief, was beautiful to me, and I cherish the memories.

The thing is there were times in recent months where if you asked me to be your girlfriend, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. Now, I know you would think this sounds foolish - You would likely think it more foolish if you knew how I’ve been shamelessly flirting about town, and online with various boys. Still, I know these boys are nothing more then things for me to play with till I leave. They occupy my time, and make things interesting, but I don’t find myself thinking of them as I do you.

I suppose this letter is ultimately an apology to you; an apology for being completely selfish. I resent my gut reaction to the idea of you dating another woman is disappointment and envy - Especially since you’ve been NOTHING if not understanding and encouraging of me pursuing other men. If you want me to find love with someone, there is no reason why I shouldn’t want the same for you. I’m sure once I get used to the idea of you wanting other women, those feelings will pass and I will be left with nothing but well wishes for you.

Until then, please know I am sorry for my jealousy.

Also know that I love you dearly, and want nothing more then for you to be happy.