You Know This Is You,

Amidst the chaos of this early afternoon - you are weighing prominently on my mind. It seems I cannot escape you. Indeed I cannot seem to recall when you were NOT on my mind, although I know there had to a time when you were not. I've only known you three out of the 26 years I've been on this planet, so I couldn't always have been living for you.

I would your memory inspired some form of warm, well meaning feeling but I think if I were to tell you that, you would know I was lying. You must know that I am still angry at you. I feel justified in my anger though that's kind of an odd way to put it, isn't it? Justified! If something is justified, then it seems to me it should feel right, but this anger doesn't.

To That Figure In Black,

I will admit that having sex in a cemetery (even inside of a car) is not the most appropriate of acts, but seriously - don't sneak up on people like that! I mean, put your self in my shoes. It's the middle of the night, in a cemetery; a place you are in not for perverse, gothic kicks, but to obtain some much needed and ever evasive privacy with a beautiful lover. You feel safe in the dark - safe to be uninhibited and loose and wild with your lover. The car shakes and moans escape from warm bodies, and then suddenly, through your half opened eyes you see a figure in black - a silent specter - emerge from the headstones, and walk passed the car.


For starters, no one likes to be interrupted when engaged in such an intimate act; the embarrassment, the surprise - it's unpleasant to say the least. Secondly, I am a woman who has seen one too many horror movies, and seeing some dark figure traipsing through a cemetery in the middle of the night, well….I have an active imagination filled with zombies, demons and psycho killers.

So in short, please don’t DO that!

Same Name Dame,

You don't know me, and I don't know you - however your existence in his life makes me somewhat sad. I know this is a new relationship for the two of you, and as such there is no way to tell what will happen to you guys tomorrow let alone weeks, months, years down the road, but knowing that he enjoys you so much is disheartening. Every time he has mentioned you thus far, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my mood dips severely. You should consider that a good sign for you! If I didn't feel he was so attached to you already, I wouldn't have such a physical reaction.

I don't blame you for liking him, as he is a wonderful man. His happiness is important to me, and if you are what make him happy I'll have to accept that. I do blame myself though. I feel like I should have been there for him a lot sooner. I feel like I could have been in your place if I had been more aggressive in my approach to get to the city. I probably shouldn't have been so afraid to tell him how I felt about him, instead of playing coy for fear that I would seem insane for falling for a man I've met only once, and have spent almost a year talking to at length online. God, it seems insane even writing that now.

Perhaps that is where I will find the most comfort out of this situation. Logic and rationality. There was never going to be anything logical in high tailing it to a big city for a boy I only know through electronic means, and in changing my plans on a slight chance something nice might come out of it. I am where I am, he is where he is, and you are where you are - which happens to be in his mind and by his side.

Note to Self

Wallflower, there is a trend here! Pay attention!

The Diva was a commitment phobic jerk.

Mr. Pim was not that into you.

Perfectly Nice Young Man was a drunken one night stand, and he wasn't going to be in town for long.

Moby Dick was from out of town.

Friend was recently out of a significant relationship - thus an emotional wreck and completely incapable of being romantically involved with you. Not to mention you knew you were going to be leaving for a few months anyway.

Boy was also a drunken one night stand, JUST a friend and thus a mistake.

Beatles Fan had a girlfriend.

The Hipster was a man-whore.

You are, for whatever reason, attracted to unavailable men. So when you say you are having strong feelings for The Gamer, you have to consider the possibility that you may just be following a pattern. He lives in another city, your conversations are online, your initial plans to move to the city have been put on hold - he is, no matter how wonderful, unavailable!

Sort this shit out! Do you form these attachments out of a feeling of inferiority? Are you yourself afraid of committment and thus look for men who won't ask anything of you? What is it??

Dear Moby Dick,

My dear boy, it happened again! We once more found ourselves in a romantic situation and once again fate managed to bugger it up and leave us both longing and sexually frustrated. And now, our time has passed. I am home, but my mind it still with you, where you are...

"Are you thinking about me?" I wonder as I type this.
"Probably not" as we both have our prospective lives to get back to, and as neither of us are going to become anything more then a mere memory for the other over the passing of time - someone that gets pushed to the front of our minds only when referred to directly. Maybe a certain person, or sound, or smell will trigger something familiar, but other then that, you won't think of me, and I won't think of you.

Right now, however...I am thinking of you. When I first found out that you and I would once again be in the same place at the same time for two whole days, I started to entertain the notion of the two of us getting back together to finish that which we started the year before. I knew you were single, but I didn't want to have any expectations as I'm unfortunately accustomed to be let down in such situations. Imagine my relief when we first locked eyes in the liquor store, and *spark* with a sly smile I knew we would be picking up where we left off.

Alas, we did not make love even once over the weekend. Well - THAT would have been difficult considering we were both sleeping on the freezing cold floor of a basement apartment with five other people. I loved the cuddling though. The kissing. The touching. I've never been one to be so public with my affections, especially when with someone I obviously have no future with beyond the two days we would be in the same city. But I wanted you to know that when I was with you, for the first time I allowed myself to open and be shameless in my actions.

Congratulations, boy! Ya dun good!

My God, I wish there was a more poetic way to say "you made me so hot!" But I suppose THAT will do to get my message across. I wanted you so badly, and I didn't care if anyone knew. I'm still thinking about how much I wanted you. How I wanted you. What I wanted you to do to me.

That being said, please don't think that it was all just physical for me because I liked just hanging out with you as well. I loved how unashamedly snobbish you were when it came to movies, music and especially books. Usually I find it such a turn off. I think it was the passion with which you spoke that really DID IT for me. Honestly, our talk in your car about Russian Literature made me want to return to Tolstoy and Solzhenitsyn.

I wonder if I am ever going to see you again. I would like to. I would like to see you, and get to know you, and fuck you. After two unsuccessful attempts to sleep with you, I wonder if you won't simply be my White Whale. The one I came close to, but never caught. I guess only time will tell. I'll always think of you fondly though if I never do see you again. I hope you know that...

Hey Cutie,

Forgive my awkwardness last night, but you should know that I am only a social retard when in the presence of a stranger I am completely smitten with! So, I beg you not to think badly of me, but rather for you to take my odd behavior as a form of flattery. Indeed, an awkward moment is the highest compliment I can give another person.